The wind almost seemed to pick up as I ran my fingers over his name on the gravestone.
I found myself digging into the stone trench of the letters, wanting to get even closer I guess.
I had just graduated from college, and I was celebrating in a quiet cemetery with my grandfather.
My Paw Paw died in 1995 when I was 13. I was a little girl then...a little girl who loved cold soda pops, Archie comics and thought I knew everything.
Nine years later, I was a young woman...a young woman who didn’t have a clue. What I did have was a piece of paper that said I had earned about $30,000 worth of knowledge, and I would be expected to pay it back.
But I was proud, and I wanted to brag to my Paw Paw.
I had made the trip to Monticello alone that morning. Leaving my rented house almost three hours earlier, I made my way from the flat Delta down to the pine-heavy region of south Mississippi.
I had never traveled to Monticello alone before. To be honest, I was kind of relieved to be on my own.
The quiet drive would give me time to think. And I wouldn’t feel obligated to continue a long conversation with a joining traveler.
I was 22 years old, unsure about what I wanted to do with my life. Fresh out of college, I had a thin piece of paper framed in the backseat that said I was supposed to be a journalist.
But at that very moment, as the highway spanned before me, I had no idea what was next.
I was never one of those college kids who thought the world was my oyster. I never felt that I was entitled to any fancy position or flashy paycheck.
I knew that I would have to work my way up in whatever path I chose in life. I was ready to get my hands dirty.
But I would be lying if I said I wasn’t scared. I was scared to death.
I had an interview in a few days with a newly-formed newspaper back in my college town. I had bills to pay and promises to keep to my mother as I embarked on my new life as a professional adult.
And it scared the heck out of me.
In the midst of that fear, I loaded a small suitcase, grabbed my framed college degree that had just arrived in the mail and headed out to the town where I spent most of my early childhood years.
Paw Paw’s grave needed fresh flowers, and I wanted to show-off my degree that proved I accomplished my dream of getting in the newspaper business.
The roads there were different now. Highways littered with gas stations and burger joints had replaced the two-lane roads with vegetable stands and escaped cows.
I was relieved to recognize some old spots as I made my way around until I found the old rural highways.
A lot of time and fuel later, I arrived in Monticello. Funny enough, the town’s slogan is “it just feels like home.”
After picking up some flowers, I grabbed a burger and shake from the local Ward’s that has been there since I was a child. Then I headed out to the cemetery where my family is buried.
Parking on the side of the road, I grabbed my food, the flowers and my framed degree.
I could get to Paw Paw’s grave blindfolded. Plopping down by his gravesite, I enjoyed my burger as the sound of birds carried over my head.
The hum of passing cars broke the quiet at times, and I was relieved to be shaded by a few clouds as I pushed the flowers into the grave’s holder.
And then I pulled my degree out from behind my back and leaned it against my crossed legs.
“I got my degree,” I said, out loud. “Don’t know what I am supposed to do now. But I’ll figure it out.”
Leaning over, I traced my fingers over Paw Paw’s name. J-A-M-E-S...slowly as the wind brushed past me.
“Maybe you can help me figure it out,” I said, pulling the weeds around his stone up. “I’m all ears.”
I stayed at Paw Paw’s grave that day for about an hour before I couldn’t take the hot sun any longer. Unfortunately, when I stood up to leave, I was still as clueless as I was when I arrived.
I made my way back to my car, placed my degree in the back seat. And then an odd calmness came over me.
I hadn’t figured anything out. I didn’t know if the newspaper interview would go well. I didn’t know if I would make rent next month. I didn’t know if I would find the boy of my dreams. I didn’t know what I would do.
But I wasn’t scared anymore. I was ready.
