I was physically chased out of my home this morning. I can only hope my new neighbors do not think I am insane, but insanity was exactly what was happening inside my otherwise peaceful home.
While I was cleaning the kitchen before I headed into work, I was attacked by a vicious enemy; one that returns for battle every summer.
An evil horsefly struck me in the head as I was putting some dishes up. Grabbing a dish rag, I waved my hands around my head as the bloodthirsty bug attacked my head. That stupid villian literally chased me around my house as I continued to wave the dishrag around like a mad woman.
Grabbing my purse, I sacrified my own family and darted out of the garage door. The madness does not end there. Another horsefly came at me as I bolted into my car.
Leaving for work with sweat coming down my face and my dignity totally erased, I called my oldest son James.
“You need to go downstairs and kill that horsefly,” I demanded. “Your brother and sister are still asleep, and they can’t be attacked by this evil monster.”
Moments later, James called me back as I made my way down the highway.
“I couldn’t find it,” he said. “It’s no big deal. It’s just a horsefly.”
No big deal? Does he not remember the battle that raged at our previous house when he was about 12 years old?
I remember it like yesterday.
I was slightly embarrassed, but it didn’t matter. I was right. Horseflies are the most horrible, vicious and cruel creatures on this earth. They are evil in nature. And they want to make mankind suffer by constantly diving at our heads or popping us while we try to take a fun dip in a swimming pool. I nearly drowned one year staying underwater while a horsefly circled overhead.
James was about 12 years old when reading a book in my recliner. I heard that all too-familiar buzzing sound on my living room window.
Peering up...there he was. It was a horsefly, not gigantic but those small, annoying types that are super quick and never die.
I slowly made my way to the laundry room and grabbed a can of hornet spray. And I attacked. But although I drowned him in poison, he didn’t die! In fact, he just got angrier and started diving at me like a maniac. My own pet cat who loves to torture bugs fled in fear.
Screaming and waving my hands around, I locked myself in the food pantry.
“I can’t believe this,” I said, to myself. “I am a grown woman, and I am hiding with Pop Tarts and Honeybuns.”
I hollered for James to come assist me. He was busy in his room, winning some football championship video game.
“I can’t,” he yelled back. “I’m fixing to win this last quarter.”
“Those things have pause buttons,” I bellowed. “They had them when I was a kid so I know they have them now. I am stuck in the pantry. There is a horsefly out there.”
All I heard was a loud grunt and his bedroom door come swinging open. And then I heard the sound of a magazine hitting the kitchen table.
“Got him,” James replied.
I slowly made my way outside of the pantry, and I saw the remains of half of a horsefly’s body next to the wrinkled magazine.
I couldn’t even focus for the next hour. I kept thinking I heard a buzzing sound in my house. I spent close to half an hour inspecting my curtains in the living room, confident that I would find another one...waiting.
Or what about the time I had to call my husband Jason because I was on the side of the road? A stupid horsefly flew into the open window of my car and immediately started attacking me. It is a wonder I did not wreck my vehicle.
I had no other choice but to pull over on the side of the road and exit my car. I called Jason to come help me, and he refused! He told me to “buck up.”
Well, the good Lord was looking out for me that day because eventually the beast flew out of my car.
Now, I am sitting here at work, writing this column, worried to death about the devil that will be waiting on me when I get home because James failed to kill him.
I even called Jason, and he mocked my request.
“You want me to leave work to go kill a horsefly at the house,” he asked, confused.
I just hung up on him. Has the whole world gone crazy? Have we submitted to living in fear?
I don’t know what else to say. It’s the Year of the Horsefly. And it’s gonna be a long summer.
