Sexual abstinence is important before marriage and is related to the process of bonding. I consider the concept of marital bonding to be one of the most vital understandings ever offered on the subject of long-term marriage.
Bonding refers to the emotional covenant that links a man and woman together for life. It is the specialness that sets those two lovers apart from every other couple on the face of the earth. It is God's gift of companionship to those who have experienced it.
Bonding is most likely to develop among those who move systematically and slowly through twelve steps during their courtship and early marriage. These stages, described below, represent a progression of physical intimacy from which a permanent commitment often evolves.
1. Eye to body. A glance reveals much about a person—sex, size, shape, age, personality and status. The importance people place on these criteria determines whether or not they will be attracted to each other.
2. Eye to eye. When the man and woman who are strangers to each other exchange glances, their most natural reaction is to look away, usually with embarrassment. If their eyes meet again, they may smile, which signals that they might like to become better acquainted.
3. Voice to voice. Their initial conversations are trivial and include questions like "What is your name?" or "What do you do for a living?" During this long stage the two people learn about each other's opinions, pastimes, activities, habits, hobbies, likes and dislikes. If they're compatible, they become friends.
4. Hand to hand. The first instance of physical contact between the couple is usually a non-romantic occasion such as when the man helps the woman descend a high step. At this point either can withdraw from the relationship without rejecting the other.
5. Hand to shoulder. This affectionate embrace is still noncommittal. It is a "buddy" type position in which the man and woman are side by side. The hand-to-shoulder contact reveals a relationship that is more than a close friendship, but not necessarily love.
6. Hand to waist. Because this is something two people of the same sex would not ordinarily do, it is clearly romantic. They are close enough to be sharing secrets or intimate language.
7. Face to face. This level of contact involves gazing into one another's eyes, hugging and kissing. If none of the previous steps were skipped, the man and woman will have developed a special code from experience that enables them to engage in deep communication with very few words. At this point, sexual desire becomes a factor in the relationship.
8. Hand to head. This is an extension of the previous stage. The man and woman tend to cradle or stroke each other's head while kissing or talking. Rarely do individuals in our culture touch the head of another person unless they are either romantically involved or are family members. It is a designation of emotional closeness.
9-12. The final steps. The last four levels of involvement are distinctly sexual and private. They are: (9) hand to body, (10) mouth to breast, (11) touching below the waist, and (12) intercourse. Obviously, the final acts of physical contact should be reserved for the marital relationship, since they are progressively sexual and intensely personal.
Intimacy must proceed slowly if a male-female relationship is to achieve its potential. The critical factor is that they take these steps in sequence. When later stages are reached prematurely, such as when couples kiss passionately on the first date or have sexual intercourse before marriage, something precious is lost from the relationship. Instead, their courtship should be nurtured through leisurely walks and talks and "lovers' secrets" that lay the foundation for mutual intimacy. The present environment of sexual permissiveness serves to weaken the institution of marriage and undermine the stability of the family.
This concept applies not only to courtship experiences. The most successful marriages are those wherein husbands and wives journey through the twelve steps regularly. Touching and talking and holding hands and gazing into one another's eyes are as important to partners in their mid-life years as to twenty-year-olds.
Indeed, the best way to invigorate a tired sex life is to walk through the twelve steps of courtship regularly and with gusto! Conversely, when sexual intercourse is experienced without the stages of intimacy that should have preceded it in prior days, the woman is likely to feel "used and abused." To those who are already married and now regret that the stages of bonding were taken out of order or that important steps were skipped altogether, it is not too late to work your way through them anew. I know of no better way to draw close to the person you love.
*********************
