The dreaded day had arrived, and there I stood with my boxer shorts/underwear hanging conspicuously out of my gym shorts.
Figuratively speaking, that is.
As the Lions Club team captains picked their fantasy football teams last week, it was 1962 all over again.
It was the first day of my gym class at Norman Junior College some 54 years ago. It was on the school's football field that this 115-pound freshman became aware that he was even more “uncool” than he realized.
Apparently, boxer underwear wasn't meant to be worn under gym shorts.
But, of course, nobody told me.
So there I was, looking totally uncool with the bottoms of my boxer underwear hanging at least three inches below the bottom of my gym shorts. It appeared that all the other guys were of pre-Peyton-Eli Manning lineage as they ran around looking totally “footballish” in their gym shorts...notably without boxer underwear hanging out.
I was a mere willow in a line-up of 100-year-old oak trees. There were even two or three centuries-old redwoods, as best as I can remember.
When it was my time to center the ball, I was like a two-legged table. As soon as I snapped the ball, all the nose tackle had to do was to give a gentle push on my head, and I rolled over like a beach ball on steroids.
Snap and Roll. That's what they began calling me.
“Hey, Snap and Roll! Come over here and give us some pointers on your offense plays,” the oaks and the redwoods would holler and then break into raucous laughter.
I blame my inadequacies in football, basketball, tennis, track, soccer, hop scotch, pick-up-sticks, jump rope, marbles and other competitive activities on my boxer underwear. It killed my spirit. It warped my zeal to excel in all athletic competition, thereby killing my interest in making more money than most CEOs ever dreamed of making before I tank it all by doing something really stupid as so many athletes are wont to do these days.
History was repeating itself as I looked for a way to slither out the room as the captains chose one Lions Club member after another.
But not me!
“Just a few more and, as usual, I'll be the last man standing,” I thought as I fastened my gaze on the uneaten meat loaf on my plate.
I had uncharacteristically lost my appetite.
I remembered the many times ol' last-man-standing-me had been “gifted” to a team whose captain was much less than excited upon hearing of his forced “draftee.”
Once again, I was the one no one wanted. But in all honesty, I have no one to blame but myself. I was traumatized by earlier events that warped my psyche, which has had me on the verge of making a “one call and that's all.”
“This football season is going to be different thought,” I thought as one captain reluctantly called my name and the other team's Lions cheered.
“I'm going to study up and choose my team based on sound research. I'll show 'em!”
That is, if I can suspend logic long enough.
With my 2016 College Football Preview in hand, my inquiring mind was led to ask:
Why don't newspapers print a “beginner's” edition of college football previews so we uneducated folk might have some smidgen of an idea of what sports writers are writing about?
Where does one go to learn the football lingo?
Is it really OK for players to have tattoos these days? Don't coaches realize that tattoos today will probably lead to dreadlocks tomorrow?
What about the eats during the games? The best hotdog I ever had was at a basketball game at MSU. Don't folks realize that the eats are sometimes the best part of the game?
And what about the cheerleaders?
And the bands?
I don't know.
Instead of counting on the unfathomable football previews, maybe I could just rely on Older Daughter to clue me in on the in's and out's of 2016 football.
Just the other day, I confessed to her, an avid Ole Miss supporter, that I picked Florida over Ole Miss in this week's game. I figured she'd pitch a fit, but instead, she reacted with the finesse of a true football aficionada.
“Well,” she said. “FSU is ranked #4 in the polls whilst Ole Miss is ranked #14. Additionally, with the game being played in Orlando, FSU does have the home field advantage. However, Ole Miss may get the upset. Bear in mind that FSU's starting quarterback is injured. And we have Chad Kelley. I believe we have a better chance than a snowball in hell.”
That kinda' talk has been known to start many a football fans' hearts to fluttering. I know it did even mine.
Maybe there's yet hope for me now that I've sworn off boxer underwear.
