I have come to a realization this week.
Don’t expect it to be earth shattering or a life changer by any means.
Kids are gross, plain and simple. They are really, really gross.
On more than one occasion over the past week, my three children have done things publicly and what they thought were in private that sent me into a frenzy. After I shook my head in disgust, I got in the fetal position, questioning my parenting skills and why I was a failure.
But after talking with my own mother and few of my friends, my kids aren’t the only kids who do those unmentionable things. They are all germ-loving, gross little kids.
And don’t ever, ever, fall into the trap of thinking “my kids will never do that.” Because they will if not already.
My youngest son Jase is the main culprit. I know that he is testing the ropes, learning about the world around him. But, wow...he is really walking a thin line between curious and concerning.
I cold busted him this week eating dog food. Yes, dog food.
Sitting on the front porch is our dog’s food bowl. It has been in the same spot for close to a decade. But for some reason on this particular humid afternoon, Jase went over to inspect.
Within seconds, he plopped down in front of it and started helping himself.
“No, no, no baby,” I shouted, as I ran over to his feast.
I managed to get what he had packed in his cheek out, and I quickly took him inside to wash his mouth out.
Poor Jase had no clue why his mother had a crazy look in her eyes and was holding him under running water, washing his mouth out. He shot me a look that said, “Mom, you’re crazy. Get away from me.”
Speaking of eating, that is another gross thing that Jase tends to do daily. He packs food into his cheek and keeps it there like a cow chewing cud.
He ate a whole slice of bread once and kept it packed in his cheek for hours. It was disgusting when I realized he would be having toast for both breakfast and dinner.
Jase also has a problem with finding old food shoved in the cracks of his car seat. Before I have time to grab that stale potato chip from his paws, he shoves it in his mouth. I began to feel sick as I continue to find a place to pull over and dump his seat out.
What about that sippy cup he finds under his bed? Not a problem for Jase. A quick shake and he has a beverage he didn’t have before. And I’m the bad guy because I won’t let him continue to take swigs of whatever has mutated in that cup.
Because Jase is only two years old, I can get away with naming him in the aforementioned catastrophes. But for the safety of my two other children and nephews, I will not name any names.
Don’t think children let you know when you run out of toilet paper either. A many a decorative hand towel has been ruined and left for me to discover later. Once again, gross.
Sleeves, couches and other people can be used as napkins.
It’s nothing to grab that strawberry off a stranger’s place and begin to chow down.
Little boys love to compare bumps, bruises and cuts to show who is the bigger man. Sometimes these tough man acts develop into freak shows.
When you got to go, you just got to go. Don’t even ask me how many children have used my front yard as a restroom, in front of company no less.
The grocery store is no stranger to their gross shenanigans. What buggy doesn’t need a good licking?
As if the kids can’t tell that they gross me out sometimes, they use me as a human trash can. Took a bite of something you don’t like? Momma’s palm is the perfect place to spit it out. Got something on your finger you can’t explain? Just wipe it on Momma.
This one really gets me. I physically watch my children take a sip from drink or sports bottle...and they backwash. My water bottle has turned from crystal clear to hazy with bits of Pop Tart swimming around.
But what can you do? They’re kids, your kids. And millions of Mommas are dealing with the same little issues.
We may roll our eyes, scrunch our noses up and get a case of the shakes.
But we wipe them (or it) off, hose them down and cover them with kisses.
They may be gross little messes, but they are ours...germs and all.
