The entire house was still, peaceful and quiet. As I eased into my chair at the kitchen table, I was careful not to make too much noise for the fear of being heard from my three children in the living room.
It was a serene time, and I wanted to soak every single second of it up.
Until...my telephone rang.
Leaping like an Olympic high jumper, I grabbed my phone and immediately answered it.
“What are you doing,” my friend asked.
It was too late.
The sound of a stampede was coming my way from the living room. I felt like that scene from the Lion King when Simba saw the legions of water buffalo roaring down the mountainside toward him.
I saw my three children take the turn like Dale Earnhardt into the kitchen where I was meditating just moments earlier.
James hit me.
The iPad is dead.
Where is my snack?
The satellite is out.
Where’s Daddy?
Who’s on the phone?
I need milk.
Spongebob....
The sounds of demands, grievances, pleas echoed through my kitchen as I held my phone to my ear.
My friend knew the struggle all to well. I overheard her two kids demanding toilet paper and popsicles.
“Don’t you see I am on the phone,” I asked, handing over sippy cups and pecan swirls. “I didn’t hear a peep out of y’all until you knew I was on the phone.”
It happened quick like a sneak attack during an ancient battle.
And then it was over.
James, Elsie and Jase all headed back into the living room with drinks, snacks, electronic devices, toys and my rolling pin.
“Anyway, what’s going on,” I finally replied to my friend on the phone.
“Well, I was going to see...hold on...put that down,” she bellowed into my ear. “I am fixing to come in there and...let me call you back.”
And then she hung up.
I slumped back into my kitchen chair, looking over at the wall clock.
It’s only 9 a.m.? My gosh, they are going to kill me by the time Jason gets home.
Yes, it is summer time. The time where people post fabulous photographs of beach vacations and matching shirt photo sessions on social media. It is the time where you plan festive parties complete with iced tea and barbecue ribs. It is a time where you create summer dishes, complete with decorations you found on Pinterest.
Well, most people do. But not the Pattersons.
Summer is a time where Jason and I barely make it alive as we try to “entertain” three children while holding down our jobs, baseball season and community obligations.
It’s a rollercoaster of chaos, and I am certainly not alone.
“Do you know what he did today,” my friend asked, after she finally called back. “He used the bathroom in the front yard right in front of the neighbors. Hold on...close the door and quit letting the air out.”
“Who did that,” I asked, eyeballing a Little Debbie snack on the counter. “Your hubby or your son?”
After a few laughs, we immediately hush it up. Any sound of life from our phone conversation would result in the second stampeded from our kids.
“And then he wants to know if he can go to summer camp with all his friends,” my friend continued. “With what money? Hold on...quit hitting her with that. Set it down, now...son...let me call you back.”
She hung up on me again. I swear, it takes us three hours to hold a three minute conversation.
Waiting on her to call back, I slowly unwrap the Little Debbie snack. It was a Zebra Cake, and those are a hot commodity in these parts.
And then...I heard the pitter patter of six feet.
What do I do? I began to panic.
I ran straight into the bathroom and locked the door. The three Patterson children hit the door like a squad of special agents.
“What are you doing Momma,” Elsie asked.
Sitting on the edge of the tub, I scarfed down my Little Debbie Snack.
“Can’t Momma use the bathroom in peace,” I ask, catching the pieces of cake before they hit the floor.
Within seconds, toy cars and fingers are shoved under the door. I almost choked on that snack cake, but I managed to hold my head under the sink faucet to get a few sips of water.
Emerging from behind the door, all three children were staring up at me. I wonder if they knew that I had betrayed them and eaten the last snack cake.
“Y’all get from under my feet and go play,” I said. “Daddy will be home from town soon and he is taking y’all fishing.”
“He is,” James asked, with an instant smile.
“Oh yes, he is,” I reply, starting a sink of dishes.
An hour later, my friend calls back.
“OK, they are napping,” she said.
“Mine are off with Jason,” I said. “Goodness, when does school start again?”
We finally finished our conversation that began four hours earlier. And I eased into the couch, ready to take a quick power nap.
But then the front door swung open so hard, it hit my side table and knocked all my candles off.
“Momma,” James bellowed as he entered the house. “Daddy needs you. Elsie got hit with the boat paddle and Jase’s diaper just exploded.”
I just started laughing like a lunatic. If you can’t do that, you’ll go crazy.
Happy summer everyone! May the odds be ever in your favor.
