It was Christmas morning, and I rushed into the living room in the hopes of finding toys galore, candy a-plenty and a lot of food.
Instead, I found the women in my family hovered around the buffet counter in the kitchen, armed with electric mixers and razor-sharp tongues.
“You know that is an old photo she used in this year’s Christmas card,” Maw Maw said, showing off the neighbor’s card. “Charles is fatter than that now. She ain’t fooling nobody. He hasn’t been that skinny in ten years.”
“I’m not worried about Charles’ waistline,” my Aunt Sonya said, lighting her extra long Virginia Slim. “What I want to know is how...”
I let an over exaggerated yawn out of my tiny body to let everyone know I was in the room.These women were on a roll, and there was no telling what might come off of their lips.
“Ohhhhhhh....Jamie’s up,” Momma shrieked, grabbing me for a tight hug. “Go get everybody! Let’s see what Santa brought you this morning.”
I felt like I was being led off a football field, atop of my adoring public’s shoulders. I was ushered into the den where our tree was guarding a mountain of bows and presents.
The men-folk came in from the other room, smelling of cigars and fruit cake. They tend to stay away from the women while they prepare our traditional Christmas dinner.
“Well....look who is up,” my Uncle Herbert bellowed, as he made his way into the room. “I wonder if Santa...”
That was the last thing my Uncle Herbert said before his bare foot stepped on one of my Legos that managed to slip out of its box. He then let out a blood-curdling yell before heading into the floor head-first. He barely missed the dog, which sent Maw Maw into a frenzy.
“Look at him,” Maw Maw yelled, flapping her arms at Uncle Herbert. “He’s gonna crush the dog. I just know it!”
Fortunately, the dog managed to escape near death. But Uncle Herbert planted his face straight on the floor. The Lego was still stuck to his foot as he tried to make his way over to the couch.
“Well, I guess I got some new Legos,” I mumbled.
“I bet those fell out of Santa’s satchel,” Uncle Herbert said, wiping sweat from his forehead and taking stock of his injuries.
After Maw Maw quit huffing and the dog found shelter under the kitchen table, I proceeded to open my gifts.
It really was wonderful. I got everything I wanted and more...including a new Lego set.
Then it was time for the adults to exchange gifts.
In normal families, these festive exchanges call for celebration, hugs of gratitude and fond memories.
For normal families...
“What the heck is this supposed to mean,” my Aunt Sonya asked, hiding behind an envelope. “Who gave me this?”
It was a subscription to the Nutrisystem weight-loss program.
Everyone eyeballed each other for about three minutes.
“I think it’s nice,” Maw Maw said, peering down.
“You would,” Aunt Sonya replied.
“Ok....let’s keep it going,” Paw Paw said, handing out more presents.
By the end of the morning, there was that pesky weight loss subscription, a cassette tape of the Top Gun movie soundtrack, blank VHS tapes so that people can just record what TV show they like rather than buying them one they don’t, sugar-free cookies, a carton of cigarettes, a coffee mug shaped like a toilet....
There were a few nice gifts, but these were so terribly bad I couldn’t remember anything else.
As the day came to an end and my sugar-high wore off, we all gathered around the entertainment center to listen to a few songs off the Top Gun soundtrack.
Odd, I know...but that was my family. And I loved every minute of it.
As I look around today, most of those funny family members are no longer with us. There are no more weight loss jokes, tacky gifts or near throwdowns beside the Christmas tree.
Embrace those times while you can. It might not seem like you will miss them, but trust me you will.
And with that...I must finish wrapping Momma’s blank VHS tapes. I am sure she can find something to record this year.
