I was inside my vehicle, waiting on our oldest son James to grab his book bag for school, when my old foe made his return to my personal space.
As James continued to look for one of his school books inside our house, what sounded like a giant elephant charging struck my driver side window. Thank goodness my window was up because I soon discovered the origin of the semi-bomb striking near my head.
A gigantic horsefly was hanging onto my window, right to the level of my left eye. He was gigantic, and the pulsing, belly of the beast, vibrated my whole window.
“As so it begins,” I said, aloud, piercing my eyes at my forever foe.
When James made his way to the backseat, I was transformed into a wild creature. Throwing my sunglasses off, my voice resembled that of Ursula from the Disney classic The Little Mermaid.
“Hurry up and close the door,” I bellowed. “There’s a horsefly out there.”
Before I realized I was doing it, I found myself yanking poor James into the car. With my own body contorted to reach into the backseat, my first born was dragged into the vehicle with the door handle still in his grip. His bookbag went flying over into the other side of the car, and his lunch bag resembled a pinata erupting into the air.
“Are you kidding me,” James asked, pulling himself upright into the seat. “A horsefly? So what! They don’t even hurt.”
It never occurred to me that James was a future biologist or expert in the animal world. But he was wrong today.
“For your information, I read somewhere that when they sting you, a tiny whatever you call it comes out of their mouths and literally cuts you,” I said, hitting the window locks on my door. “It is not a sting but rather a saw almost. He literally hacks you like a handsaw.”
“Find me that article so I can write them and tell they are morons,” James said, picking up his sandwich and chips from the pinata lunch. “Yeah, they hurt. But you act like it’s a bear attack or something.”
Gazing over to my window, the devil was still there on my window.
“Not today Satan,” I said, putting my car in reverse.
That vile creature stayed on my car window until I was halfway down Sunny Lane. Even then, I suspected he was waiting on the roof of my vehicle to attack when we stopped.
“I just need your support in this,” I said, to James. “I know you aren’t scared of them. But I am. Just for my sake, when I yell for the retreat, you retreat.”
“Retreat,” he asked, scrunching his nose. “Like in a war? Momma, you are getting ridiculous. Dad was right. You’re losing it.”
We rode in silence for the remainder of the ride. And after I told him I loved him, I quickly told him to be careful at school as he exited the vehicle.
“Yeah, expecially with all those horseflies out,” he said. “I hope I make it back alive.”
I was slightly embarrassed, but it didn’t mater. I was right. Horseflies are the most horrible, vicious and cruel creatures on this earth. They are evil in nature. And they want to make mankind suffer by constantly diving at our heads or popping us while we try to take a fun dip in a swimming pool. I nearly drowned one year staying underwater while a horsefly circled overhead.
It wasn’t two days later, I was inside the safety of my home. Reading a book in my recliner, I heard that all too-familiar buzzing sound on my living room window.
Peering up...there he was. It was a horsefly, not gigantic but those small, annoying types that are super quick and never die.
I slowly made my way to the laundry room and grabbed a can of hornet spray. And I attacked. But although I drowned him in poison, he didn’t die! In fact, he just got angrier and started diving at me like a maniac. My own pet cat who loves to torture bugs fled in fear.
Screaming and waving my hands around, I locked myself in the pantry.
“I can’t believe this,” I said, to myself. “I am a grown woman, and I am hiding with Pop Tarts and Honeybuns.”
I hollered for James to come assist me. He was busy in his room, winning some football championship video game.
“I can’t,” he yelled back. “I’m fixing to win this last quarter.”
“Those things have pause buttons,” I bellowed. “They had them when I was a kid so I know they have them now. I am stuck in the pantry. There is a horsefly out there.”
All I heard was a loud grunt and his bedroom door come swinging open. And then I heard the sound of a magazine hitting the kitchen table.
“Got him,” James replied.
I slowly made my way outside of the pantry, and I saw the remains of half of a horsefly’s body next to the wrinkled magazine.
I couldn’t even focus for the next hour. I kept thinking I heard a buzzing sound in my house. I spent close to half an hour inspecting my curtains in the living room, confident that I would find another one...waiting.
I soon began to make supper, and James joined me to add his menu selections since he is such a picky eater.
“Buzzzzzz,” he yelled, poking his finger into my back.
When Jason returned home, he didn’t notice the sauce splattered across the wall, the spoon-shape mark across James’ shoulder or the smirk on his face.
I didn’t have to tell him. He knows. It’s the Year of the Horsefly. And it’s gonna be a long summer.
