The surest way to avoid an affair is to flee temptation as soon as it confronts you. Author Jerry Jenkins has referred to this determination to preserve moral purity as “building hedges” around marriage so that temptation is never given a foothold. You take steps to protect yourself and enhance the level of trust in your marriage at the same time.
To build a hedge around your home, talk with your partner about your interactions with the opposite sex; then establish sensible, sensitive guidelines. Some couples rule out lunch with a coworker, traveling together, talking alone behind closed doors, sharing rides, or working as a “couple” on a project. Agree on what you both consider reasonable, then stick to that agreement. If you’re faced with a situation that you haven’t discussed, ask your spouse about it beforehand, and if he or she isn’t comfortable with it, don’t do it. Listen to each other’s concerns. The Lord has made you “one flesh” for good reason.
It may be harmless to show a bit of friendliness to a member of the opposite sex, but avoid crossing the line into flirting. Ask yourself, “Would my spouse feel comfortable if he or she witnessed this exchange? Would my actions earn trust, or would they raise doubt about my motives?”
At first it may seem strange to ask for permission to take part in what’s probably a completely innocent activity. But you’ll quickly discover how wonderfully reassuring it feels when the situation is reversed and your partner is the one asking you!
Watch for warning signs that you may be vulnerable to an affair. This predicament can be prevented if couples realize that infidelity develops out of unmet needs—the husband’s, the wife’s, and a third party’s. They should realize that meeting dependent needs with an erotic response makes the situation worse, not better. They should also understand that a sure way to prevent an affair is for a husband and wife to both put the other’s needs ahead of their own. I agree. An attitude of service and sacrifice is an indisputable marriage builder.
One final caution regarding temptation: I urge you to be wary of pride in your own infallibility. The minute you begin thinking that an affair “would never happen to me” is when you become most vulnerable. We are sexual creatures with powerful urges. We are also fallen beings with strong desires to do wrong. That is what temptation is all about. Do not give it a place in your life. My father once wrote, “Strong desire is like a powerful river. As long as it stays within the banks of God’s will, all will be proper and clean. But when it overflows those boundaries, devastation awaits downstream.”
We value that which we are fortunate to get; we discredit that with which we are stuck! We lust for the very thing which is beyond our grasp; we disdain that same item when it becomes a permanent possession. This helps explain the incredible power that the lure of infidelity can have on our behavior. Nevertheless, God promises to provide a “way out” of temptation if we will look for it (1 Corinthians 10:13). Keep looking for the way out and you’ll keep building up trust in your marriage.
Of course, even in the best of marriages, it is possible for husbands and wives to err and break the other’s trust. That is why we must rely on God’s power—not our own—if we hope to achieve an intimate marriage. It is only when husbands and wives commit themselves to living according to God’s ways that a deep and lasting bond of trust develops between them. We can give our heart confidently to our spouse when we know that he or she is genuinely seeking to follow God and His guidelines.
Only confidence in God’s faithfulness gives us the courage to remain vulnerably open, knowing that we might be hurt. In the 1993 movie Shadowlands, writer C.S. Lewis loved a woman who died prematurely. Her death was intensely painful to him, causing Lewis to question whether he should have permitted himself to care for her. He concluded in the last scene that we are given two choices in life. We can allow ourselves to love and care for others, which makes us vulnerable to their sickness, death, or rejection. Or we can protect ourselves by refusing to love. Lewis decided that it is better to feel and to suffer than to go through life isolated, insulated, and lonely.
Yes, trusting your mate is risky. But the fulfillment of genuine intimacy makes the risk worthwhile.
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From Dr. Dobson’s book, Five Essentials For Lifelong Intimacy
