Snake killing would make for good TV
I think my husband Jason needs his own reality television show – maybe a redneck exterminator show.
Apparently, there is already a show called Billy the Exterminator. Billy is this guy who exterminates, attacks or captures rodents and other pests. From roaches to alligators this guy can handle it all.
But I think what makes the show different is that his fashion sense. He has spike bracelets, funny hair and usually a heavy metal shirt on.
Jason could follow along this line only he would be wearing camouflage, hunting boots and would brandish a machete, a garden hoe or the latest copy of Cabela’s hunting magazine.
My vision all started last weekend when we received an interesting phone call about 8 a.m. on a Saturday morning.
I was cooking waffles when I heard Jason talking on the phone. Our son James was watching cartoons, and the morning started off like a typical Saturday.
“I’ll be back,” Jason said, running into the kitchen putting his shirt on. “There’s a snake that needs killing.”
The batter in my waffle machine was still wet when I pulled the plug out of the wall.
“Well, I wanna see it,” I said. “What kind of snake is it?”
A rattlesnake had somehow got into the house of one of our relatives. Jason’s uncle, Walter Patterson, had been called for assistance, and he somehow knew that Jason wouldn’t hesitate to join in on the adventure.
I ran into our bathroom to throw on some jeans and a T shirt when all I saw was a red blob hurling toward my face.
It was a red wasp, and I mean blood red.
I began hollering, waving my dish rag around. James stood in the bedroom looking at me flailing like an idiot in the bathroom.
“Daddy,” James cried. “Bug!”
Jason entered the bathroom like Rambo in the jungle. He moved me out of the way and hit the wasp like Babe Ruth in Yankee Stadium.
The horrible creature went flying against the wall. And Jason was right behind him with a Cabela’s magazine.
Jason won the battle, and he flushed the wasp down the toilet. He was my hero for that moment. Then he was off to kill a snake.
After dropping James off at his grandmother’s (I don’t think a two year old and a rattler would play together very well), I headed to the scene.
Upon arrival, I found Jason inside the house with a garden hoe and Uncle Walter with a hoe in one hand and a shotgun in the other.
“Big Walt, will you put that down,” Jason said, with a laugh. “We can’t go shooting a snake inside a house.”
The Pattersons searched the house and yard left and right with garden hoes, shovels and machetes Jason crawled around under the house, they searched the bushes around the house, everywhere.
Pretty soon, it became a family affair. Jason’s cousin and her two children were soon on the scene with their snake-hunting dog.
I am sure we could have had our own television show that day. Camouflage, shotguns, machetes, snakes and toddlers are a perfect formula for high television ratings.
After a fruitless search, the snake hunters decided to call it a day. They suspected the snake had returned into the woods.
That afternoon we decided we would hit a few golf balls on our cow pasture. But the idea of a loose snake in someone’s couldn’t escape Jason’s mind.
He headed back to the scene. And as luck would have it, he found the snake outside the house right beside an air conditioning duct that they suspected the snake had originally used to enter the house.
Jason reached into his golf bag and produced a 3 iron. I’m not sure what criteria he used to select that particular club.
Lifting the iron high into the air, he killed the snake with one quick blow. Yes, Jason the Exterminator killed the snake with a golf club.
When he came back to the house, Jason had this look on his face like he had really accomplished something. He had defeated the rattler.
In fact, later than evening James spotted a cottonmouth in our creek. And Jason killed yet another snake.
I really think the Pattersons have a chance at getting their own exterminator show. I can see the opening sequence now.
Uncle Walter can be carrying a shot gun. Jason can have a golf club and a Cabela’s magazine shoved in his back pocket. James can have a snake hunting dog on a leash.
And I will be in the background...wondering how I get into all this.
Last Updated (Friday, 17 September 2010 16:37)